I want you, I need you, go away

Some of you might know that I’ve had a Kickstarter going this month for a web series I’m trying to produce. The series is called My Own Private Idol and yes, it’s about a crazy psychiatrist. I’m not here to beg you for money –we would need a frickin’ miracle for it to fund at this point (or one rich donor, hint, hint) but that’s not why I’m telling you about it.

I want to illustrate how a bi-polar –or maybe just I –process failure. 

My first thought? This is OVER! It will NEVER happen! I GIVE UP!

My next thought? Fuck them ALL. I’ll DO IT MYSELF! I’ll be the writer and actor and director and cameraperson, I’ll edit it and market it and won’t everyone be surprised. So THERE!

Black or white. In or Out. Up or Down. See the problem?

No in the middle ideas like –well, I’ll re-group, get some new people on board and try again. No –maybe I’ll ask for less money, or get two or three episodes in the can by myself and then try. No –I’ll find a rich guy to marry and he’ll give me the money.

See –good solutions to the problem. I’ve heard that for every problem there are at least 6 good solutions and 100 that are okay. But in my mind I either rely on people too much or I feel completely abandoned and vow to make it on my own.

This has been my life story. And it is an unmanageable way to live.

Getting back to the first step of the mighty 12 that I was talking about a couple of blogs ago – the first step has two parts to it, both extremely important to creating the impetus necessary for change. Once we can accept we have a disease –mental or physical – there needs to be a reason, a strong, compelling reason, to change our behavior around it. I accept I am overweight. I do have eyes and a scale. And a doctor who hammers it home. But they just took my blood and nothing too bad is happening. No diabetes (yet), no high blood pressure (yet) and they still make clothes that fit me (for now). Why on earth would I change my eating behavior?

I have heard this truth over and over; for real change to happen the pain of staying the same has to be worse than the pain of changing. 

So we have part deux of the first step; admitted we were powerless over (whatever) AND our lives had become unmanageable.

Being bi-polar isn’t my problem –acting like one, thinking like one IS. Never seeing even ground and hopping from one stupid idea to the next is my problem. Marrying three completely unsuitable men, spending myself into bankruptcy, moving from idea to idea within 10 seconds, making excuses for all the craziness around me –these are a few of my favorite things.

Someday I’ll tell you about the moment –the exact moment –when staying the same became more painful than change. It isn’t pretty and I don’t know you well enough to gross you out that much. Suffice it to say it involved food poisoning, a 3 month old baby and mildew. Sounds intriguing, you say? Keep reading., I’ll get to it.

In the meantime I am trying to bring myself down from the extremes I mentioned before. Trying to see the 6 good solutions and decide to work with one of them.

So don’t go away, I do want you and need you. It's because of you that I’m not as crazy as I could be.