Hell in the Hall

When God closes a door he always opens another, but sometimes it’s hell in the hall.

Have I talked about hall hell already? I don’t think I have but if so, I’m old and apparently we repeat ourselves. So give me some slack and a kind pat on the back and read on.

On one side is a glistening new future. Oooh, I can see it. Almost. It’s everything I want. Helping others. Independence. Money. Travel. It looks so nice. 

On the other side is my abusive boss and my call center job.  I get a paycheck every week and all I have to do is put up with degrading bullshit. 

What a dilemma, right?

You’re thinking it’s a no-brainer and you’re probably right. But as smart as I am about some things I am absolutely mentally challenged about others. Like believing in myself and my own dreams. Like believing in happy endings.

See, I don’t like endings. Any endings. I hold onto whatever piece of shit (pick one or all) job, husband, friend, that is already in this bird’s hand. I am a flaming liberal everywhere else but I am a die-hard conservative when it comes to holding onto crap I don’t want or like anymore.

One of the great little pieces of Al-Anon wisdom I love is, that if you have a glass of some old flat soda and you want some new, sparkling refreshment, you must first pour out the old. Yes, the glass will be empty for a moment and yes this can cause a woman with crazy brain to have multiple panic attacks, but nature hates a vacuum and soon the glass will be filled with the new.

Years ago I read a little book called Adult Children of Alcoholics. It was the first psychology book I had ever read that made sense of me and my insane personality. Remember I have a BA in psychology so I’ve read a LOT of psych books but this one resonated in a way that made me weep.

It talked about 13 traits ACOA’s have. The first was that we guess at what “normal” is. Growing up watching My Three Sons, Leave It To Beaver and Father Knows Best and then living through my own American Horror Story I sorta guessed there must be a middle ground. Didn’t know what that was. Still not sure, but today, I have a better guess. I don’t think it’s a normal tradition for Thanksgiving to include the annual “throwing of the turkey” or “slamming of the doors”. It’s not, is it? 

Another of the ACOA traits is that we are loyal where loyalty is no longer appropriate. In other words, we are kicked dogs who think their master is just in a bad mood today. Excuses, excuses, excuses. I got ‘em all. I’ve got me a black belt in rationalization. And a P.h.D in taking crap.

What I’m trying to tell you all is that I’m sad to be leaving my call center job. I know it makes no sense. Craigslist is FULL of crappy call center jobs. It doesn’t matter, this one was mine.  I like the people I work with, save one huge exception, and the work is easy and I’m good at it. So, why am I having to leave? Who told me to stand up for my principles? I’m gonna kill that guy.

Leaving is also bringing up some of my betrayal issues. Probably a titsch of abandonment as the cherry on my crazy sundae.

I am sad, profoundly so, that they didn’t want me enough to fix the issue. They chose the abusive asshole over me. This has happened to me before. Like, a LOT. And I know I’ve talked about how important it is to me to be ‘chosen’ before.  What if no one ever chooses me again? What if no one wants life coaching from someone like me? What if, what if, what if. We call this future tripping and it’s the only trip I have enough money to take right now. 

So, I’m in Hall Hell right now. Trying to be patient without becoming a patient. Living on friend’s good wishes and peanut butter. 

Waiting for the new door.