This Is a Dark Ride

Years ago John  Larroquette had a short-lived dramedy aptly titled “The John Larroquette Show”. It was about a alcoholic college professor who had tanked his career  and now found the only job he could get was as a night manager of an urban bus depot. Larroquette is himself a recovering alcoholic and quite public about it so I’m not breaking his anonymity here – but it’s important because he knows his shit. He knows how close he came to being that night manager instead of a TV star. I loved the show so, of course, it only lasted a season or two. If I like something you can bet the rest of America doesn’t. “Pushing Daises” anyone? “Freaks and Geeks”? I could go on but I’m already a bit depressed so why push it.

I bring up John’s show because in the pilot he put up a sign in his office he had stolen from a carnival ride. It said “This is a dark ride.” True that.

I do what I can to keep the darkness at bay. I take medication (don’t judge me), I have a “happy light” that gives me fake sunshine in the winter and I’ve been known to swallow more than my share of cod liver oil.  This is still a dark ride. Some days darker than others.

I may be out of a job and a son soon. These last few days have been trying my commitment to recovery in big ways. I think I’m doing the right things in each case, so why does it feel so scary? Sometimes I think Mimi (my Higher Power) is a sadist. I tell her that, in those dark nights of the soul, and she crackles an evil little laugh. Oh, if you only knew the truth of it, little human, she says with a shrug. Yeah, but I don’t you all-knowing, powerful c-word. (see how I made you say cunt in your head because I didn’t want to seem crude?) Mimi and I have a love-hate relationship. Kind of like ALL my relationships, now that I think of it.

The job situation came to a head on Wednesday night when I received a sweet little note from my possibly dry-drunk boss accusing me of falsifying a phone call. Now, you have to understand I work in a call center – I do not, I repeat DO NOT – do brain surgery or decide which country to bomb next. If I make a mistake –which I do – the worst outcome is that someone got the wrong finance rate and becomes a bit cranky. Still, I am an honorable person and I do my job to the best of my abilities. I am not a liar.

Those of you 12 steppers reading this know that any 12 step program is one of rigorous honesty. On the first page of the AA big Book it states this. It also states that if you do not have the ability to be completely honest, with yourself and others, you may not recover. 

Rigorous honesty is a tough nut. Luckily the program is one of progress not perfection. We’re also not supposed to hurt others if we can help it. Thus being honest at all times can be very tricky.

Here’s the truth –the searching and fearless truth – about my boss; he is an ASSHOLE. He is a pompous little British man who is always right, humiliates his employees publicly and accuses people of lying. I have tried everything I know to get along with him; humor, withdrawal, over-achieving (I was the number 1 appointment setter in August and I am part-time. No one does over-achievement like an Al-Anon) and I have even resorted to telling the truth. We have had heart to hearts where he admits things and seems contrite, he’s better for a few days and then the lure of the asshole takes him away.

Hmmmmm. This pattern seems familiar somehow? Where have I done this before? Oh yes, in my childhood, in my marriages, with friends and family and now my own child. It is the dance of the damned. 

How To Do the Dance of the Damned in 8 easy steps!

Step One – you become a floor-mat for someone to wipe their shoes on.

Step Two- you finally get so pissed you’re “not going to take it anymore.”

Step Three – confront said jerk-wad and tell them you’re “not going to take it anymore.”

Step Four – they break down in tears, apologies and tell you truths no one else has ever heard. You are now the ONLY person who (pick one) knows them, loves them, can help them. You are a Goddess!

Step Five –your anger dissolves and all your love and caring surges through your body as you commit to never, ever leave them alone with their own nasty selves.

Step Six – things are better! Honesty and your eight hour session of listening really worked! They are now the person you want them to be! Hallelujah!

Step Seven – they do something in old school mode and you just can’t believe it. It must be a mistake!

Step Eight –you become a floor-mat for someone to wipe their shoes on. 

So that’s me right now. Trying to change the dance I do at work and at home. But it’s so scary, for financial reasons at work and for heart reasons at home.

I want to be strong –a Ninja Al-Anon – but it’s hard when I might lose so much. The job can be replaced, the son can’t. And yet, I know deeply, that if I continue the dance someone is going to die. Sooner rather than later. 

Hopefully Mimi forgives me for calling her a cunt and will help me with all this

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 She knows I can’t do this dark ride alone.

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